Bangkok, Five Times: What To Do in Bangkok

So you’re going to Thailand? Get ready to brave Bangkok

The most important thing I can tell you about travelling around Thailand is that Bangkok is basically the hub of the entire country and any journey you plan to make will inevitably involve a lengthy voyage back to the chaotic capital to catch another bus, even if you started in the North and are heading to like, the North West. Probably. During our time in Thailand, we hit up Bangkok five times, and it was never through choice.

C and I came to hate the place, but the boys we teamed up with for most  of our Thai adventures loved it – and it seems this gender divide is pretty common. While the lads’ experience centered around the infamously seedy Kaoh San Road (explicit ping pong shows and 6am massages), our memories of Bangkok are slightly less unsavoury.

Khao San Road by day

My laid back (read: nonexistent) plan meant we hadn’t applied for Vietnam visas, so after a ferry from Koh Pha Ngan and an 11 hour bus trip from Surat Thani; we headed straight to meet our boys’ new best friend, an over-friendly travel agent named Yo. Unfortunately it was 5am and her shop didn’t open until 9am so we used the time to sort out Tom’s Full Moon Party burns at the hospital. Little did we know it would not be the first Thai hospital we would be acquainting ourselves with… but more of that when the time comes.

With Tom properly bandaged, we killed time in Mcdonald’s for the free WIFI (surprisingly good Chicken McNuggets, unsurprisingly bad Pork Porridge), saw our first temple of the trip, then sat on the floor outside Yo’s shop while street vendors set up for the day. Soon every smell under the sun was assaulting our nostrils; ranging from charred chicken to fermented fish to worse. I leaned against a plant pot and realised there were tiny fish swimming around inside – had it been raining fish?

6am pavement dwelling

A shriek pierced our glum silence and Yo appeared. She gave the boys their visas, and took our passports so we could get ours. Yo flirted with Ashton, then left us to mind her shop while she popped out for half an hour, and came back bearing green custard donuts. C and I were well aware this woman was ripping us off; but the boys were convinced she was the best deal in town so we went along with it. It’s part of the Thai charm that they can rob you blind while making you smile.

The city was now in full motion so we went out to explore, leaving our belongings with Yo after she added the boys on Facebook and promptly uploaded pictures of herself with her new friends. C and I then stood on the pavement for a good five minutes waiting for the traffic to wane, until the boys advised us to just start walking and the cars would dodge us. Another Thai idiosyncrasy it takes a while to get used to.

Things to do in Bangkok

A great way to see the contrasting aspects of Bangkok is to take a Chao Phraya river boat cruise, but ensure the price you negotiate includes the Floating Market. Our only taste of it was one man who paddled up to our boat and bullied us into buying a beer for our driver.

Dan buying his new pal the most expensive beer in Thailand

We passed grand temples, hotels (including Lebua- featured in The Hangover Part II) and skyscrapers, and houses on sticks with SO MANY THINGS inside them. My mum would have balked at their hoarding ways.

Huge blue tongued lizards lazed on the edges of the polluted water, we passed a monk reading by the riverside, and children bathed in the shallows. At one point, the river became carpeted with fish that leaped out of the water. Apparently it is forbidden to fish near temples, so some locals make their living selling bread for tourists to feed them.

Water Monitor lizards, thought to bring bad luck

Hungry fish

Thai Massage in Bangkok

After our cruise we got Thai Massages, without the happy ending. We paid 450 Baht, which is under £10, for a 90 minute massage. There are much cheaper options, but this was a classier place than those the boys had visited before we met them in Koh Samui.

We were lead upstairs separately into a room with curtained partitions, where we were left to don some huge pyjamas. As I was struggling with them I heard a, ‘Pssst! D!?’ The curtain was yanked back and C was holding the bottoms up with a perplexed look on her face. We figured out how to put them on then had the most relaxing massages. They really do get all up in your business – at one point we were basically intertwined. These tiny ladies had mammoth strength! Snores interrupted my calm, and I realised Tom had fallen asleep. He then head-butted the lady when she woke him up.

Dan had been the only one crafty enough to get an oil massage so he could use the shower, so we were all still feeling pretty grotty after our long day.

Siam Paragon Mall in Bangkok

Our bus cramped limbs loosened, we hit the mall, Siam Paragon. There we saw an eight year old security guard playing with a bouncy ball, and a couple wearing matching T shirts that said ‘You’ve got no chance, she’s my girlfriend/boyfriend’, with an arrow pointing to their partner. Must have been annoying, making sure they were stood on the corresponding sides of each other. The girls who worked in the food court seemed to spend their shift applying makeup and brushing their hair – not very sanitary.

After a long day trailing around the city, we met Yo again and she took us to a laundromat which doubled as a bus station. We stood outside in the torrential rain then boarded our First Class Coach to Chiang Mai. First Class meant a small compartment at the front of the bus, decked out in tart’s boudoir style pink curtains, blankets with tigers, and a packed lunch that contained a tiny bottle of juice and more weird sickly sweet custard donuts.

Next stop Chiang Mai!

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